Oh girls, where do I begin? I have so fallen off the wagon with this study. Actually, I feel I have fallen of the wagon with God as well. I really can't go into it all now, but just know that there are some things happening in the Ingram family that has brought more chaos and heartbreak. Those things have made me aware that I need to get back on the wagon and stay on for the long haul...and not just with my weight, but with my RELATIONSHIP with Him.

Today my family will see how one's actions have consequences that not only effect him, but those who love him. (and we often think sin only effects that person.) I am angry and very disappointed in this individual to the point of not even being able to really talk about it-my anger or the situation-right now. At my core, I am begging God to help me work through this anger...at my core, I am asking God to heal my heart towards this person. It was during this time that I was so convicted at how God must be disappointed in me...of how He longs for me to do better, and how He longs for me to reach for His help when I need it. My heart was broken when I realized how I have been breaking His heart over and over again. I immediately was convicted and I long to do better...I don't want him to feel the disappointment that I am feeling now...both towards myself and to my family member. And like God, I need to show love and mercy, and yet give "tough love" at the same time. I know I am being watched by not only this person, but to all of those within my family, on how I am going to handle the situation.

I woke early this morning because I couldn't sleep due to this situation and what today will bring. I got up knowing I needed to spend time with the Lord...knowing He would speak to me if I would just listen. And He did. Through an email I received from Dennis Rainey, I opened to a sermon given on trust...who do we trust in times of chaos? What a title! Anyway, the article was talking about trusting the Lord in times of uncertainty...trusting that God has our best interest in mind, and trusting that we don't have to be afraid of what our day will bring. I open my bible to read Psalms 56:3-4
When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose words I praise, in God I trust, I will not be afraid.

It may not seem like the Holy Grail, but it spoke to me...He spoke to me! He took time to speak to me this morning! He took time to show me love and mercy in my disobedience to Him. What an awesome God we serve!

I don't know if I will be able to call you guys later...I will probably be in Evadale this afternoon as we have to discuss the "situation" with mom. The Grabers are in until the weekend and things are still crazy from the holidays. I'll call when I can...just be in prayer for me and I will fill you guys in later. Love you both!

Ah HA!

Okay girls, this isn't a spiritual blog, but one where the light did go off! Long story short, Paul surprised me with a dinner date the other night. I thought we were going to the company Christmas party, and instead ended up in Houston at my favorite restaurant. We were all dressed up and enjoying our time together without worrying about being mom and dad. This restaurant is upscale...a very prim and proper place...where it is way too expensive, but the food is well worth it. One of those places you go three times in your life, and that is if you're lucky. As I was sitting there, prim and proper, I was chewing my steak slowly and deliberately tasting it's full flavor. I didn't want anything else...just my steak...no sides, drinks, desserts. It was that good! And when something is that good, you want to savor every moment. There it hit me..."ah, this is what is supposed to be like." I didn't want to fill myself with other things. I didn't want to scarf it down...and while doing this I realized I was pleasantly filled....not too full. I SOOOOO enjoyed my dinner, and all the while, heard God say "this is what I'm trying to teach you." Wow...I had to share it with Paul immediately!!! There was no need to even stop and get dessert on the way home! It was wonderful. I've tried to practice "prim and proper"ness here at home...and I do have to say there is something to be said about doing that while eating Mac-n-Cheese. Not quite the same. :) With that being said...enjoy the flavors of the season...just in moderation and do it slowly! :) Merry Christmas to you both. I love you and pray God's blessings on you in 2009!

Power struggle

Today is fasting day. I just had my first Psalm snack of the day at 10:30, roughly. It is the first time in this round of the study that I sat down to have one. I was skeptical about getting anything out of it, but my prayer was just that I wanted to hunger for God more than food as my stomach was growling rather loudly at that moment.

The Psalm was Psalm 68. It was a bit lengthy and full of a whole lot of symbolic language that I cannot begin to put in its place and I will have to admit that I was getting a bit discouraged by all the goings on of mountains and kings and whatnot. However, the last verse was really all that I needed right now.

Verse 38 says, "O God, You are awesome from Your sanctuary. The God of Israel Himself gives strength and power to the people. Blessed be God!"

Whether that is strength to last through the temptations of licking the knife when making the sandwiches or just having one m&m or whatever it may be...I don't have the power. Whether it is getting up to spend time with Him or living life to glorify Him, whatever it may be...I don't have the power. The God of Israel has it and it is His to give.

• God, thank you for taking away the gnawing feeling in my stomach as I read your word. I did notice that. Thank you for being the power that you are even when I don't realize it. Please give Erin and me the strength for this fast and Sam, when she takes hers. Show us that YOU are the one who has the power over everything and it is YOURS to give to us, not ours to take control of. I needed to know that, but more importantly I need to truly understand and yield to that. Please help me in that and be that power to us today and every day.

We have won!

When I want to do good, evil is right there too. I should be delighting in God's law, but instead I am often held prisoner to the law of sin constantly at work within my body.

I so desperately want to continue with my "vulnerable time of day Psalm snack". It was so refreshing and encouraging when I did that last Friday. Now (excuses, excuses) being back home after being out of town, I feel like I need to reboot myself. Re-acknowledge that I need to focus on the afternoon and late evening as times to Psalm snack instead of snack snack. So, again, I commit to that today.

My mind does desire to be a slave to God's law, now God please help my "members" to show that today! I don't want to be of the devil and to continue in a pattern of what I have acknowledged so many times is sin.

We have a battle, but why don't we remember all of the time that we have won the battle through Jesus Christ??

1 John 1:20 "We know also that the Son of God has come and has given us understanding, so that we may know him who is true. And we are in him who is true—even in his Son Jesus Christ. He is the true God and eternal life."

Dear Lord,

Today please help me hold to the truth that Jesus Christ has won the battle over sin and death. Help me live like one who has won this battle, because I have in Him. Please help Michelle and Sam today too. Sick kids and general mom stuff can bog us down. Be with us today, Lord and give us strength. I love you.

Erin

The Christian Fast, Part 2

Confession: I am on the same week that I was on 2 weeks ago. Week 3 day 2. I have stayed up late causing me to be really tired in the mornings and so I don't get up. Right now, the wind is howling outside, it's cold, I'm super tired and I want to got to bed again. I have sick kids. I don't even have a Christmas tree up yet, guys. This is terrible. Well, not as terrible as my lack of growth lately, but you know what I mean.

I'm not even into this lesson. I started it last week and finished it just because I had to finish it. I lose heart when I don't grasp concepts and when I don' t feel like I'm getting it. That's where I am today. Discouraged about my spiritual life and yet still thinking about it all the time...all the time.

The passage was good today, but I went through it like book work. 1 Corinthians 6:12-20. I am sure I could get so much more out of this, but I will touch on verse 18. Our addiction to food, whether over eating or eating when not hungry or just eating too often, it is an affair we are having against God. If we look at a marital affair as infidelity against our husbands, then a food affair is infidelity against God. Why can't we see that?

Going back to that family where the husband left...don't you think that it can get easier and easier to some degree to continue in the affair? The longer he's involved, the quieter the Spirit can become. We have been involved with our food for years. It's high time we leave our "mistress" of sorts (though we aren't men...) and get with God.

• God, I confess that my heart isn't right and I don't know what to do about it sometimes. Myunworthiness is revealed daily, yet I somehow feel deserving of Your attention and correction. I so desperately want for you to grab a hold of me and shake some sense into me or awareness or something like that. I don't want sleep to be more important. I don't want kids to be more important. I don't want anything to be more important than you, but if you watch my life, all things are. More and more things in my life seem pointless and useless for furthering your kingdom and yet more and more time is spent doing these things. Grab us, Lord, and put in us a heart that wants You more than life itself. Forgive me of my sins. Forgive me when I don't even know what they are. Forgive me when I put everything before You. Make me make good choices so I can be more for You. Please do the same for Sam and Erin in their struggles. Thank you for our belief but please help our unbelief.

Thank you, Lord for a Mid-afternoon Victory

Hi ya girls.

Psalm 118:1 "Give thanks to the Lord, for He is good, His love endures forever!"

Now what is better than that for a little snack in the middle of the day? Nothing!

Plus, my water with fresh squeezed lemon actually tastes delicious right now.

Psalm 118:14 "The LORD is my strength and my song; he has become my salvation."

Dear Lord,
Thank you for small victories. May Michelle and Sam also have small victories today and thank and praise you in the midst of them.
Your child, Erin

Same old thing. . .

Okay, is there anything new under the sun? I am supposed to write down the time of day I often fail and cave in with food.

Mid afternoon and before bed.

Easy. I know this.

Number one: It is okay to eat during those times, but in a healthy way!

Number two: It is so embarrassing that I, in my sin, continue to be a prisoner to those times of day. Those are the particular times of day I should specifically set aside to Psalm snack. I just need to schedule that into my day. Duh. If I have time to eat, I have time to read my Bible!

Therefore, I commit to do that today. I will update you on how I did with this commitment. If I don't, well that just proves that I am continuing to be a slave to this sin.